The World According to Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton.

By J. Lowe

In order to understand Hillary's viewpoint, one must also understand her Nemesis,  Rush Limbaugh:

Affluence --
Hillary: Something only rich people in this country enjoy.
Rush: Something all Americans making over $30,000 are now said to have.

Algorithm --
Hillary: A method for computing deficit reduction.
Rush: The periodic recurrence of a new wave of environmental regulations pro posed by Al Gore.

Audit --
Hillary: A means to ensure fairness and to verify deductions.
Rush: The highest cause of anxiety, followed by divorce and a death in the family.

Baby --
Hillary: A helpless victim of poverty, injustice, and inadequate care.
Rush: A four letter word denoting a "cute," often illegitimate debtor which costs taxpayers over $100,000, and which also cause air pollution by requiring frequent trips to daycare centers, hospitals, and later to toy stores for Nintendo games.

Bank --
Hillary: A repository of Federal Reserve notes used to finance free enterprise.
Rush: An institution which processes government checks for immediate transfer of wealth to the homeless, jobless, and lazy.

Bankruptcy --
Hillary: A misfortune caused by inadequate planning and oversight.
Rush: What happens to businesses which do not meet new environmental standards.

Big Business --
Hillary: Polluter of the planet.
Rush: Employer of the people.

Bill --
Hillary: Husband.
Rush: Any giveaway program proposed by Congress which does nothing to decrease the Deficit.

Camelot --
Hillary: A magical utopia without pollution, prejudice, or inequity.
Rush: A mythical nirvana where the torch hasn't been passed, the Clintons haven't dropped it, and we won't soon be going up in flames.

Capital Punishment --
Hillary: Cruel and unusual punishment.
Rush: A rare and controversial law which, if enforced quickly, might save millions of tax dollars while disposing of criminals before they get to see the TV movies based on their crimes.

Catch 22 --
Hillary: Whatever the projected budget for a government program is, the Republicans will always oppose it.
Rush: Whatever the projected budget for a government program is, the actual cost is at least triple.

Celebrity --
Hillary: Anyone who supports our causes, or visits us on vacation.
Rush: Anyone who makes at least $50,000 a week and supports Democrats.

Children --
Hillary: Our hope for the future.
Rush: Our hope - God help us - for the future.

Civics --
Hillary: The study of the processes of government and their relationships to citizens.
Rush: The study of disorganization and fiscal chaos.

Civilization --
Hillary: The Great Society.
Rush: A group of polite people with a purpose, as during Ronald Reagan's administration. . . and ending when Bush said "read my lips."

Class Envy --
Hillary: A mis-labeled desire for fairness and equality of compensation.
Rush: Envy which occurs in people who don't have any class.

Communist --
Hillary: A member of the former USSR ruling party.
Rush: Any socialist with a gun.

Condoms --
Hillary: Life preservers.
Rush: Sex toys subsidized by taxpayers for grade school students.

Congress --
Hillary: A legislative body for debate, consensus, and action on the concerns of the American people.
Rush: A private club for liberal lawyers.

Conservative --
Hillary: A near-sighted advocate of the status quo.
Rush: A person with 20/20 vision often prescribed corrective lenses.

Deficit Spending --
Hillary: Spending more than current available revenues.
Rush: The buying of people's votes with money they haven't yet earned.

Democrat --
Hillary: A true American. . . a citizen in a collective democracy.
Rush: Someone who's afraid you have more than him.

Dependents --
Hillary: Children, parents, the sick or the elderly.
Rush: All citizens of the State.

Divorce --
Hillary: Unfortunately, a lawyer's bread and butter.
Rush: When heated, a lawyer's toast and jam.

Downsize --
Hillary: To take advantage of poor, disadvantaged employees in order to make more profit.
Rush: To turn asses into ashes by firing them.

Earth Day --
Hillary: A day to remember that we all share the same planet, and that we must protect it together against all abuses.
Rush: A day set aside by leftist radicals to contemplate the evils of Capitalism, and to plan strategies against it.

Endangered Species -- 
Hillary: Any of a thousand species on the edge of extinction.
Rush: The dwindling upper class.

Entitlements --
Hillary: Birthrights.
Rush: Embezzlements.

Environmentalist --
Hillary: A believer in the future for our children.
Rush: An atheist who believes man is: A) Filthy, B) Guilty, and C) God.

Feminist --
Hillary: A believer in the rights of women to be independent and equal.
Rush: An abnormal woman who sues men for everything, including penis envy.

Gangs --
Hillary: Children for whom the school system will continue to fail until we decide to become recommitted to funding of education.
Rush: Groups of punks who still don't know what "family values" mean, even after taxpayers spend billions on inner city schools.

Greed --
Hillary: The cause of everything presently wrong in America.
Rush: The cause of everything presently wrong in Washington.

Hieroglyphics --
Hillary: A difficult to decipher system of communication used by ancient Egyptians.
Rush: The system of communication utilized by the tax codes.

High School Graduates --
Hillary: Students qualified for college / service loans.
Rush: Young punks who can whistle all the Top 40 tunes but can't read their own diplomas.

Human Rights --
Hillary: The rights which caring people grant all living beings.
Rush: The rights which liberals grant spotted owls on an equal basis with starving lumberjacks.

Insensitivity --
Hillary: An antisocial disease common to conservative radio talk show hosts.
Rush: An antisocialistic affliction common to people targeted for tax audits.

I.R.S. --
Hillary: An institution which collects the contributions of loyal Americans.
Rush: A secret government agency created to redistribute your wealth to people you will never meet, and to projects you would never understand.

Liberal --
Hillary: Open-minded, clear-headed, far sighted.
Rush: A near-sighted person prescribing rose-colored glasses.

Lifestyle --
Hillary: That style and grace one exhibits while living one's life.
Rush: That degree of affluence which, after taxes, can only be temporarily sustained.

Loot --
Hillary: Anything which has been taken from someone, generally unfairly.
Rush: Store merchandise stolen by force to supplement government checks.

Military --
Hillary: An inefficient and wasteful system of defense against aggression.
Rush: The first and often only place liberals go in order to cut "waste."

Millionaire --
Hillary: Someone who has not yet paid his fair share.
Rush: Someone who is quietly investing overseas.

Motherhood --
Hillary: An institution which needs government help now.
Rush: A conspiracy against N.O.W.

Multi-culturalism --
Hillary: An educational process which can help all of our children to understand and respect one another.
Rush: A paradox of cooking wherein each ingredient of the melting pot refuses to mix.

National Health Care --
Hillary: A brilliant plan which I created -- and Republicans killed -- to provide fair and equal medical coverage to all Americans, regardless of income.
Rush: A plan to make healthy people pay for everyone who smokes too much, drinks too much, and watches Wheel of Fortune while pigging out on potato chips and pork rinds.

Politically correct --
Hillary: Kind, compassionate, and helpful.
Rush: Hypersensitive, asinine, and in debt.

Politics --
Hillary: A failed method of governing which I intend to streamline.
Rush: A shell game played by blind people.

Republican --
Hillary: A stumbling block which can be turned into a stepping stone.
Rush: A person generally considered narrow-minded, bigoted, insensitive. . .and happy.

Rookie --
Hillary: A newly hired cop.
Rush: An inexperienced Congressperson, not yet on the take.

Sale --
Hillary: Something I correctly taught Chelsea to attend.
Rush: A democratic event where merchandise is marked up and then marked down in order to create the politically-correct illusion of getting something for nothing.

Senator --
Hillary: A servant of the people.
Rush: A pathological liar whose sociopathic tendency toward wasting other people's money is augmented by a narcissistic Napoleon complex.

Sex --
Hillary: The one thing Bill is really good at.
Rush: The one thing Bill is really good at.

Special Prosecutor --
Hillary: An independent investigator of the ethical misconduct of members of the Bush and Reagan administrations.
Rush: A mortal given God-like powers, unlimited access to taxpayer funds, and an expense account of Biblical proportions - all to try and implicate Republicans of crimes against the Great Society.

Student Loan --
Hillary: Help for disadvantaged high school graduates provided by way of the Democrats' continued commitment to education.
Rush: College party money provided by the government until the recipient can at last "graduate" to extended unemployment benefits.

Welfare --
Hillary: My next project.
Rush: The buying of poor bastards' votes with money other people have earned.

 

J. Lowe is an accomplished fiction writer and political commentator. His latest adventure novel, Fame Island, is available from Blackstoneaudio.com